God is Big

(note:  this blog was started in June of 2015 and not published until 2016)

Lately I've had this song running through my head that was a favorite when my kids were younger. I can picture the enthusiasm it generated in our house when the chorus would burst out "GOD IS BIG, GOD IS BIG.  GOD IS VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY BIG".  With each "BIG"  the kids would jump up and stretch out their limbs and digits as much as possible to make their very biggest self.

A few weeks ago, I experienced the joy and pride of watching my oldest daughter graduate from college.  It was as if I watched her stretch into her biggest self at that very moment, and what was before me was (and is) so beautiful.

Moments like these make a mom reflective.  I am amazed by all Paige has accomplished over the past twenty two years. She is a hard working, driven, intelligent, and kind human being.  I am so proud of her and am so excited for her future.


When Paige was young, she was extremely shy.  Anxiously shy.  My aunt was her kindergarten teacher, and she gave me daily updates about how Paige interacted during the day.  Those days were very disheartening.  We tried a lot of different incentives to encourage her to engage in the classroom. But it was a struggle.

So when Paige decided to pursue a degree in education, I was skeptical. I didn't want to crush her dreams or plans, but I just couldn't see how that would be a good fit for my introverted and quiet child.

But God is BIG.  How did I forget that?

Graduation weekend was full and busy.  Friday night I rushed from work to get to the closing chapel service at Calvin. As I entered, I thought it would be the perfect ending to Paige's four collegiate years to sing the song we sang on her very first day at Calvin.  I remember that 2011 service well, and how tears flowed down my cheeks as I sang out to Jesus and gave her college years over to God, praying he would provide good friends and a positive, joyful, and successful experience.

But chapel ended and we did not sing that song.

We enjoyed a picnic lunch on the commons lawn, just as we did the day we moved her in four years earlier.

Two of my sisters and a brother joined us at the teacher commissioning ceremony. It was a lovely ceremony, and I was just so proud of my girl.  I sat next to my sister, Sandy,  who's grief for her recent loss was palpable.  I put my arm around her as she processed yet another facet of the loss of her daughter.

As the ceremony finished up, we had one more song to sing.  It was the very song I was hoping to sing at the chapel service. And there we were, my heart as big and bright as a balloon and my sister's as gritty as gravel.  And God spoke to both of us.  Because He is BIG.  He is so big that He meets each of us exactly where we are.

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

'Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

God is so big, but yet he chooses to meet us in the smallest of all spaces--in our very being.

And as for my doubts about Paige's career choice?  After her first two semesters of teaching at her high school alma mater, I can say that my fears were completely unfounded.  God has equipped her perfectly for His purposes, and I am left amazed at just how big and good our God is.

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"God is Big"

i am inadequate

It started very innocently, as it usually does.  

Taking care of the tedious tasks of Sunday afternoon -- cleaning up around the kitchen, waiting for lasagna to cook -- I glance and see my antique Ball jars sitting on the end table.  Dusty. Dingy. Old.
 ___________________

Just the day before I was at our niece's open house.  Their Ball jars sparkled, filled with perfect, pretty flowers. Impeccable. Pristine.  I mentioned my lack of domesticity to my sister in law, who laughed it off.  "Try vinegar".  Obviously. So silly. I should have thought of that already.
_______________________

Tears pool until they can't be contained.  The dirty Ball jars taunt me. Inadequacy, my familiar guest, slips into the room.  "You don't even know how to clean a jar.  What kind of wife are you?" 
("His mother would know how")

It takes a moment for me to compose myself.  I remind myself that my husband has no use for clean Ball jars.  He has never asked for them.  In fact, I'm confident that he's never even noticed they were dirty.  This burden is my own.  No one put this on me except for myself.

When one you love deeply has suffered from profound loss, it seems right to try to compensate--to do whatever is in your power to fill the hole that is suspended there, to try to make up for what is lacking.  I wish it were possible.   But I know that I can't--I can't be my husband's mother or father.  I can't recreate the home he was forced to vacate.  Even if I could reproduce every aspect, it wouldn't be enough.  Because I am not adequate.  

And then there is the lasagna.  It is a meal for my sister, who recently cremated her only child, who daily struggles with losses that are stacking up like heavy books about to topple.  I doubt my ability to provide any comfort or hope or peace.  I am inadequate. Nothing I do or say will make up for what is missing.

______________________________________________

I'm not looking for encouragement here.  I don't need you or anyone else to write a single comment that tells me that I am making a difference.  That I have gifts and skills that make up for the dirty jars. That my lasagna matters.  That my efforts have affect.  You don't have to tell me, because I already know that they do.  

Even with that knowledge, I own this truth.  I am not adequate.  

Notice that I didn't say that I feel inadequate.  I said that I am inadequate.  And, if you are honest, you will know that it is true of yourself as well.  You may have a strong sense of empathy, or maybe even a degree in psychotherapy.  Maybe you've experienced loss yourself and feel a bit of an expert on the subject of grief.  It doesn't matter.  You and I are both inadequate.  All of the good we can do, all of the hope we can offer, all of the support and love and gifts of time and talent are not enough to compensate for what has been lost.

And this is exactly the time that I thank God that I am a Christian.  I thank Him that I have hope and faith and trust,  that I can believe that there is more to this life than these present sufferings.  That the shadow of grief that outlines all of life's joy and sorrow will someday be completely gone. 

And it isn't only faith in the intangible.  It's also the personal experience of feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit, the one who is adequate at calming the inner longings of a heart torn apart by grief.  

June is Bustin' Out All Over

I have shy kids.

-----

When they were little
 they would hide behind my legs

whenever someone tried to talk to them.
-----

They were the kind of kids that preferred
 to have someone order for them at restaurants.
-----

They hate to talk on the phone

or to ask the neighbors to buy what they are selling.

-----

Yep. 

 They are shy.

-----

And I think I know where they got it from.

-----

At least they 
are usually shy.

_____________________

But sometimes they
really surprise me.

-----

When Paige was in middle school

she had no interest in being in the school play.

No big surprise there.

But she did serve as an excellent prompter/stage hand

Romeo and Winifred, 2007

Mikaela
wanted to be in the play,

but she was seriously nervous to audition.

She almost backed out.

She needed some coaxing.

So, being a wise mom,

I told her that she needed to at least give it a try

And she did.

If the Shoe Fits, 2008

It started out as small parts,

but, with time, they became bigger!

Aladdin 2009

--------------------------------------

And then came high school musicals!

Paige couldn't resist stepping out
from behind the curtain to join the

**CHORUS**

Seussical 2009

Before we knew it, Paige even had lines!

Anything Goes 2010

Mikaela was a bit more ambitious

She started in the
CHORUS
but then moved on to
SUPPORTING ROLES

For the Defense, 2010

As Mrs MacAffee, Bye Bye Birdie, 2011

And then a lead!

Julie and Carrie, Carousel, 2012

I couldn't be more proud of my girls
 or any happier about how theater has
helped their confidence bloom 
and provided another opportunity for them
to honor God with their talents

Mrs Snow with her children, Carousel, 2012

It has been so fun to watch them step beyond their
quiet comfort zones
until the stage actually
 became
part of their comfort zone.

Who would have thought?

Oldies

Here are some treasures Mikaela stumbled acrossed while cleaning today. 

I thought they needed to be shared!

 1934
Dad and Uncle Hank
Now I know where Paige gets her photo pose from

Such a dog lover.  He never really cared for cats, did he?

Dad and Pal

Such a stylish and attractive couple

1956
Dad with his girls
Sandy, Joan and Marcia

Some damage on this one, but so cute
Sandy, Marcia, Mom, Joan, Tom and Dad
Looks like mom is wearing a corsage.  Mother's day?

Jodi's baptism, 1968
Does mom look a little tired?

Welcome to the family, Art!
Christmas, 1974

1986
Before Sandy moved to Arizona

Mikaela sharing her artwork with Grandpa

Little Things Part II (2/12/12)

So what can top 

having a near heart attack?

____________

Having a near heart attack 

and then getting a new puppy

Meet Pyper

our Welsh Terrier

Ah, I just love

the little things!

Little Things Part I (2/6/2012)

 I've been told since I was in my 20's that I have high cholesterol.  

I suppose I should have heeded the warnings and worked harder to improve my numbers.  

But when I see these pictures of blockages, 

I think it looks like there is still a lot of room for blood to flow.  

How bad can it be?

Of course it is easy to think that 

when you are in your 20's and you believe that

there are many years ahead of you 

and that you have time to worry about your health later.

___________________

But then little things can stop you short.  

In fact, they have the ability to stop you completely.

When Joel started complaining of chest pain, shortness of breath, and excessive fatigue

I knew something was wrong.

This was so out of character for him.

This is the guy that does heavy lifting all day at work 

after a morning workout at the YMCA, 

and then caps off the day with a 50 minute evening run

All of this was caused by one little artery that was 95% blocked.

That was all it took.

___________________

And this is all it took to correct it:

Isn't science and technology amazing?

I am so thankful for the little things:

That my man knew that things weren't right

That his doctor listened, despite tests that said things were fine

For tiny little stents that open blockages

______________________

So I'm getting my cholesterol levels checked again.  

And if my numbers are still high,

it might just be time to do something about it.

40

    For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.  
¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;    
he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
 

Many will see and fear the LORD

   and put their trust in him. 

 ⁴ Blessed is the one
   who trusts in the LORD,
who does not look to the proud,
   to those who turn aside to false gods.^[b]
5 Many, LORD my God,
   are the wonders you have done,
   the things you planned for us. 
 None can compare with you;
   were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
   they would be too many to declare. 

 ⁶ Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
   but my ears you have opened^[c]—
   burnt offerings and sin offerings^[d] you did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
   it is written about me in the scroll.^[e]
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
   your law is within my heart.”

 ⁹ I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;

   I do not seal my lips, LORD,

   as you know.

¹⁰ I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

   I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.

I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness

   from the great assembly. 

 ¹¹ Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD;
   may your love and faithfulness always protect me. 

¹² For troubles without number surround me;
   my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
   and my heart fails within me.

¹³ Be pleased to save me, LORD;

   come quickly, LORD, to help me.

 ¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
   be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
   be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
   be appalled at their own shame.

¹⁶ But may all who seek you
   rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
   “The LORD is great!” 

 ¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;

   may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

   you are my God, do not delay.

All things Bright and Beautiful

Black Friday was an amazing day for our family this year.

After doing some bargain shopping
and having a great time getting a Christmas tree with our Deur cousins

We did something we have only done twice as a family:

We got a puppy!

After much debate we named him 

Bowser

We fell fast in love with this little pup

We held him and played with him

We totally loved him.

What we didn't know then 

was that Bowser was sick

(or at least conditions were ripe for him to become sick)

As the days went on, he became sicker and weaker.

We went to the vet day after day,

gave him medicine, tried to force him to eat, and prayed for him.

But by late Friday night, he was gone.

We had him for only seven days

----------------------------

Our house has a heavy feel to it right now and

I'm left with more questions than answers.  

Why now, after years of postponing getting another dog?

And why this dog?

What more could we have done?

And why didn't God answer our prayers and intervene?  

Which of course leads to a whole new list of questions that are even harder to answer, like:

Why do parents have to bury their children?

Why do young moms get terminal cancer?

Why do kids have to say goodbye to their parents, when they still need their help and support?

On and on these questions go....

-----------------------------

Sunday morning came and we are in the middle of Advent season.

So here's another question:

Why was the first song we sang,

"All Things Bright and Beautiful"?

Is this some kind of cruel joke God orchestrated to see how much He could make me cry?

"All things Bright a Beautiful

All creatures great and small

all things wise and wonderful--

the Lord God made them all"

 Oh, and I cried all through the service.  It was hard. 

I tried to keep it together, but was not very successful.

-----------------------------------

So, I'm certainly not to the point where I can make any sense out of this all,

but here is something that struck me--

There is this verse in the song that I don't really remember from before:

"He gave us eyes to see them,

and lips that we might tell 

how great is God Almighty,

who has made all things well."

Knowing what I know about this world I recognize that,

 until Christ comes again, 

all living things will eventually die.

For some it is not until they are in their 90s or later

For some it is before they are born.

For most it comes somewhere between those two extremes.

But their end will come,

sooner or later.

So,

What can we do?

Well,

We can see with our eyes 

the beauty of the creation

and tell with our lips

how God made them good.

So today I'm going to tell you about

Bowser

I saw him with my own eyes

and he was
beautiful

I'm so thankful that God creates such beautiful creatures.
As hard as grief is
and as unfair as it all can be,
Can you imagine a world without such beauty?

I Want More

Do you ever have it when you start to think

"If only I had more _________"?  

Me too.

I'm feeling that way right now.

 _____________________

When I was young

I wanted more friends, more toys, more candy

And then it was more clothes, more bedroom space

More good grades, more fun, and more freedom

After getting married

I needed more household supplies

more dishes, more towels, more pots and more pans

And then I noticed that to store them I needed

more closets, more drawers, more space

a bigger house

And then I wanted more people

(more little people, that is)

Of course more money always comes in handy to pay for it all

 ___________________________

But today I'm realizing that

What I really want is 

More Time

___________________________

More time to be 

fully present 

with each of my kids, 

my husband,

my friends, coworkers and neighbors

To not have to settle for distracted and surface interactions

To never have to miss a performance or game

To be the mom that brings cookies to play practice and chaperones the class field trip to Chicago

Time to rake my mom's leaves and play tennis with my sister

To take long walks in the woods  

To have a clean house, laundry folded and put away

To be able to relax at the hairstylist

To leave work feeling completely accomplished

with every spreadsheet perfectly balanced

To be able to bring a treat to the neighbors 

or a meal to someone that needs support

To not have to hurry out the door 

To never run out of time to read the Bible and pray 

To have time to sew and knit

and let my creative juices flow

Time to prepare healthy lunches and dinners

and to exercise regularly and vigorously

____________________

Doesn't that sound lovely?

____________________

But that is not my life.

At least not right now

And there are a lot of things I'm not willing to give up

I know I can't do all of these thing perfectly

So I prioritize

There are lots of days with piles of laundry and dishes around the house

Who Cares?

I am not going to be quilting for a few more years

I can cope.

Sometimes fast food is all I can rustle up

and I pack lunches that are really lame
oh well

There are times I regret 

not asking the right questions

not listening carefully 

not bringing the cookies or the meal

And that is what is hard for me

It is easy to make a list of regrets when life is busy

____________________

But how can I complain?

Look at all of these beautiful things God has set in my path:

a great husband

three amazing kids

a big family full of love

friends

a warm home to keep clean

and food to serve

passionate, Christian coworkers

a job I really enjoy

a creative mind

a love for neighbors

a desire to serve God

So maybe there isn't time to do them all justice

I expect that I'll make mistakes 

and have some regrets

But for as long as I still have time left

I'm not going to stop trying to be 

everything 

God created me to be

I Love Soccer

My family has always been bent towards basketball.

When I was a preschooler, my oldest sister was playing college ball.  In sixth grade, I traveled across  Michigan while my brother's team went all the way to the MHSAA State Finals.  If we couldn't make it to the WMCHS games, we'd all quietly lay around the living room listening to them on the radio.  I spent summers at GHHS basketball camps and played on school teams through tenth grade.

I liked basketball.

In the spring of 1981, I was introduced to soccer.  What a fun game to play!  How proud I was when I scored my first goal against a full-grown "woman" goalie in our game against Fremont Christian --never mind the fact that she hadn't recovered from a previous shot and that mine was a super wimpy kick that even a lame goalie would normally be able to stop with her weak hand.  I loved to play and I loved to watch.  I remember spending many late evenings/early mornings in 1982 watching the World Cup being played in Spain.

I loved soccer.

I have this surreal memory of being on a co-ed travel team.  I think it was the summer after 8th grade.  I remember that I bought the sweetest pair of white Puma cleats at Hoby Bell.  We had awesome long sleeved uniform shirts.  It was me, two of my girl friends, and a dozen guys.  It seems that at every tournament we played we would hear, "Hey, they brought cheerleaders!"  That was infuriating--but we were just happy to be a part of the team. 

When I think about my love of soccer in the mid 1980's, I realize that I was mostly interested in soccer because I was interested in boys who were interested in soccer.  But I did love the game and would have continued to play through high school, except that at the time there wasn't a women's soccer team at my school.  In fact, there were very few women's high school teams in the area.  My junior year,  school clubs were starting to form.  I joined our club and played in the first game against Grand Haven High School under the lights.  What an amazing experience!  But then I came down with mononucleosis and my soccer career was officially over.

Fast forward 25 years...

I have 3 kids who are bent toward soccer.

I don't know how that happened.  I'm sure it had something to do with watching their cousins play.  Maybe it's because Joel loves the physical conditioning involved and encouraged them to play.  Or, maybe it's just because soccer is that great of a sport.  I do know that my son had more soccer skills when he was 10 than I did when I was 17. And even though my girls have hung up their soccer cleats, they still love the game.

I have spent many, many more hours as a soccer spectator than as a soccer player.

Since we are in the middle of the season, I've been thinking about soccer a lot lately.  So, I thought I would share some of my thoughts on why I love soccer:

1.  Soccer is global.  It isn't just an American past time.   It takes me from my little corner of the world and speaks a common language.  Soccer allows and encourages diversity.

2.  Fall and spring are great seasons to have a reason to be outside.  I will admit that during some rainy and cold (even snowy) games, I wish I were home sipping hot chocolate instead.   But I spend my days in an office with no windows, so sitting at soccer games with no housework or errands is a beautiful reason to pause and spend time in God's beautiful world. 

3.  Although it is a physical sport and there is potential for injury, I don't watch expecting injury like I might if I were watching a football game.  Soccer is a game full of finesse, not just brute force.

4.  Soccer is continuous.  No time-outs.  No huddles.  No heats.  No innings.  No offensive/defensive line changes.  Just 80 minutes of play with a short half time. 

5.  Soccer promotes overall fitness.  It is hard to be competitive at soccer if you are out of shape.  It is a great way to glorify the Creator of our amazing bodies.

6.  Good soccer players make difficult things seem simple.  When I watch the ball skills these players have, I am amazed.  Having spent a little time with a soccer ball, I know that it is anything but simple.  It takes hours and hours of touches on the ball.  Probably thousands and thousands of hours, actually.

7.  Soccer is a team sport.  Good teams play as a team.  That seems obvious, but I've watched plenty of  soccer with 1or 2 kids that think they need to pull the weight of the whole team.  Sometimes this results in goals and wins, but it isn't that much fun to watch.  When the whole team plays together, more gets done.  It becomes a beautiful game.

8.  My kids have had the privileged of having some amazing coaches.  Some have gone beyond being mere experts on the game to exhibit a love for Christ that is passionate and sincere.  These coaches love God more than the game and inspire their teams to play to bring glory to Him.  I thank God for these great role models!

9.  It is always fun to go to a game with friends and family.

10.  Most of all, I love soccer because I love to watch the people that I love play soccer.  What a privilege it is to watch them play a game they love and use skills they have worked hard to develop.

OK, so I suppose that I would love any sport that my kids choose to play.  But for now, I'm happy to say,

I love soccer

Triangles

One of my favorite subjects in college was Art History.  I was fascinated by the subject and by my enthusiastic professor.  One thing that sticks in my mind is the use of triangles in art.  It is a common technique artists use to bring stability into their piece.  It creates a strong base and also forces your eye travel around the picture.

When my three kids were all little, I needed to devise a plan to keep them all safely within my watch.  In my mind, they became my own ever shifting triangle. Whether we were at the beach, the mall, or walking down the street, my eye traveled around to keep track of all three points.

Now that they are older, I really don't need to keep that close an eye on them anymore.  They tell me where they are going, and my eye can't spot them once they drive around the first curve.  Most days I have one point on Grant Street, one in Muskegon, and the other in Grand Rapids.  My triangle is no longer in my view, but I still can visualize it!  Can you?

Last night, Paige came home from college for the first time.  With my two girls sleeping downstairs and Will upstairs, what bliss!  My triangle is back and the house feels balanced again.

Well, at least for the day.  Tomorrow the it's back to 3 kids in 3 cities.

But today I will simply enjoy! 

Here's a masterpiece that warms my heart...

Like Mona Lisa's smile, these expressions tell a story...
A concerned brother, so sorry about the stitches he inflicted via the swing of his golf club.
A forgiving sister, still sitting close to him.
The big sister watching over them all (and glad to not have a more active role in the whole situation).

See that triangle?  To me, that is a beautiful picture.